Jay-Z Addresses Getting Stomped in an Elevator and My Essay on it is Relevant Again

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Category : Blog

‘member that time Solange punched the hell outta Jay-Z’s balls with her big toe?

What a blow (to his ego and otherwise). I am happy to report that Jay-Z’s healed nicely and released the most tea-spillinist album of all the occupants of that elevator. I’m also happy to report that I WAS RIGHT in my essay-ish piece in 2014 about the reason behind Solange’s direct heel-to-crotch approach; it was in defense of her best friend and sister, Beyoncé.

Note: Most jokes aside, the honesty, artistry, and vulnerability in this album is unmatched by Jay-Z’s earlier work. The incidents leading up to “Elevatorgate ©” seems to have spurned amazing creativity from Solange, Beyoncé, and now, Jay.

My plan is to buy hard copies of all three of these albums and call my set “Elevate yourself” or “Lift me up” or “Pulley me to consciousness”. Haven’t decided.

From May, 2014:

Solange ain’t playin’ in these streets.  She proved that when she drop kicked Jay-Z’s nuts in a couture dress and a short wig, and that Freddy Kruger way she foot-stretched across the elevator while the behemoth Julius was restraining her. I didn’t even realize she was that tall. She probably isn’t. Black girl anger sometimes comes with supa powers and she was Black girl PISSED.

Beyonce, by the way, remained zen and unaffected as Solange smacked up her husband’s face. The quality of the elevator video was grainy and we couldn’t see Bey’s face but I’m sure she employed a series of averted eyes until the situation was contained. Pictures taken immediately after that fateful elevator ride show Solange looking pissed, Jay-Z looking bewildered and disheveled, and Beyonce looking totally composed and half-smiling. Man. If she had pulled that kind of acting out during Obsessed I might have been able to get through it.

 

 

I’m a little bit surprised at this news actually. Not because I don’t think that the Knowles camp isn’t humanly effed up but because the Beyonce PR team (to be referred to henceforth as the “Beygency”) normally does an excellent job at keeping her brand pristine. I’m surprised that the hotel involved in the video leak hasn’t come out and denied that Bey n’ company entered the elevator at all, and that those must be look-alike unspecial guests brawling in the video that we’ve all been replaying all day. But then again, the week is still young and the incident fresh and so maybe I should be on the lookout for any impromptu hotel press conferences for the next few days. Ya’ll know I can’t mind my own business.

The ever quick and overprotective Beyhive have made themselves a lot more useful than the Beygency, protecting Bey’s brand with tired epithets as “haters” and “broke haters” at anyone poking fun at this scandal. 13 million members strong and not a new insult in sight. Tsk tsk.

The Bey “haters” are a totally different story. My face has been stuck to my phone all day due to the creative and hilarious tweets composed by my twitter followers. Some of my favorites include:

“Solange Knowles has proven that evidently you CAN knock the hustle.” – @NotBillWalton

“Shout out to Solange’s wig for being steadfast and unmovable during the whole ordeal.” -@MelechT

“Solange Knowles. Jay-Z’s 100th problem.” -@KillaaB33

I rescreamed just typing these.

What induced this savage outburst? The Internet, per usual, is full of conjecture. There are tweets that Jay-Z was too flirty with Rihanna, that he’d hit Beyonce a few days before, that he had been cheating on his wife, or perhaps there has been tension between him and Solange for a while now and things finally came to a head. Screenshots from Solange’s twitter even suggest that she had slapped him before and was all too eager to go again. But personal inspection of Solange’s twitter turned up no tweets of the sort and so it’s impossible to verify whether they were ever really tweeted (except for the screenshots I’m much too lazy to verify. Leme alone). Regardless. This whole incident is still pretty entertaining.

The only think I am assured of (which is actually just speculation (2017 Update: I WAS RIIIIIGHT BISH)) is that Solange was probably punching Jay in the face in the name of protection. Not physical protection, obviously, the only time Jay raised his hands was to protect his hip hop nads, but protection of family, probably Bey. A good once over of Solange’s twitter timeline will reveal an impassioned, brazen girl who isn’t afraid to get her hands (or long ass feet) dirty if it means protecting her family. I wouldn’t necessary employ this method, I don’t have the muscle strength or the leg length, but I would also ride or die for my sister, even though I’d probably have choice words for her afterwards if she tried to camouflage into the damn wall like Bey did.

Bey probably had her reasons. Her dress looked delicate. Certainly not like it could have handled an extra long foot kick.

Unrelated; anyone know where Solange got her wi….nevermind.

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